


The Reaper Benefits Package (according to Kravitz)

by wickrit



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, F/M, Gen, Kravitz doesn't know how living people work, M/M, Minor Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Sorry Not Sorry, Team as Family, asphyxiation???, blupjeans, but not a sex thing, kravitz thinks being a reaper comes with a benefits package, lup and barry do things they shouldn't, lup burned a tree, post story and song, reaper squad bonding time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:08:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21529579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wickrit/pseuds/wickrit
Summary: Kravitz doesn't need to breathe. He thinks this is because he is a Reaper. Using this basis, he tries to teach Barry and Lup how to tap into this "power". Chaos ensues, and Lup and Barry decide never to listen to Kravitz's advice on reaper stuff ever again.
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans & Kravitz & Lup & Taako, Barry Bluejeans/Lup, Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 64





	The Reaper Benefits Package (according to Kravitz)

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I got sucked into TAZ a while ago. Thanks to asimovsideburns on tumblr for the idea!

When Kravitz wakes up, it’s to the sound of birds and sizzling from the kitchen. He sighs as he gets up and pulls on a robe. He could get used to this peaceful domestic life, it was a nice change from the general chaos coinciding with the Astral plane.  
On his entrance to the kitchen Kravitz noticed two things; one, the sizzling that he heard was Taako grilling some rather excellent looking bacon, and two, his boyfriend is wearing pink footie pajamas with “Kanye West” printed in a bright obnoxious font right on the ass. Taako turns around as Kravitz walks in and hurls himself at him, momentarily forgetting about the bacon. He presses a kiss to his cheek and then drops his full weight on Kravitz's (human) form, making them both fall to the ground in a pile of not-quite-awake, not-quite-living body parts.  
“Good morning, Taako.”  
The only response Kravitz gets is a mumbed string of nonsense. Taako eventually lifts his face from Kravitz’s chest and grins at him.  
“What’s up, Krav. Want some bacon?”  
“Sure.”

Their breakfast is interrupted by Taako’s Stone of Farspeech suddenly yelling out his name.  
“Taako! Taaaako!”  
Taako simply holds up the stone and screams back.  
“Lup, I hear you! We are in the middle of breakfast!”  
“Yeah I figured. Anyway, Kravitz, Kravvy-boy, dear Barry and I are going for a jog and wanted to know whether you would come with! I know my idiot brother won’t come ‘cause he’s a limp noodle when it comes to running, but come on! Reaper squad!”  
Taako huffs at the limp noodle part, grumbling something about being a flip wizard once, but hands the stone to Kravitz anyway.  
“Uh, sure, where do we want to meet?”  
“Y’know that tree that I set on fire that one time and it still hasn’t grown back? In the park?”  
“How could I not, you nearly burned the whole place down”  
“Meet there in 20 minutes. Oh, and Taako? I know you’re wearing those goddamn Kanye West pajamas and I just wanted to tell you that you look like shit. Ya girl is out!”  
The stone dies before Taako can bark out a retort, much to his chagrin. Kravitz just puts his face in his hands.  
“Who is Kanye West again?”  
“Dunno, Joaquin told me about him once.”

Kravitz sees Barry and Lup stretching under the blackened tree and waves at them. Lup, ever one for the dramatic, sets her hand on fire and waves back.  
“Kraviiiiitz, you ready to do some running?”  
“I think? How are you two?”  
Lup stops stretching and Barry stands up from his spot on the ground.  
“We’re good, Sir Bluejeans here thinks that running is stupid and is only here ‘cause I dragged him.”  
Barry groans at this. “I’ve told you time and time again, I don’t think running is stupid, I just think that running for long periods of time is stupid.”  
Lup grabs him by the shoulders and turns him around to face the path. “You and your denim pants are going to run whether it’s stupid or not. Also, why did you decide to wear denim on a run?”  
“It was the only thing in my wardrobe”  
“We need to fix that.” 

They had been running for about half an hour, and Lup was almost heaving for breath while Kravitz was completely unaffected by the exercise. Barry had fallen behind a while ago and could be seen running in the distance. Kravitz looks at Lup worriedly.  
“Are you okay? Do you need to stop?”  
“No-hah, I’m fine-hah we can keep going.”  
“You sure?”  
“Yeah-hah, how are-hah, how are you not out of breath?”  
“Oh, I stopped breathing when we started.”  
Lup almost falls as she skids to a stop. “What?”  
“I stopped breathing. It’s a reaper perk.”  
Lup just stares at him, gobsmacked. At this point Barry has caught up with them, his state similar to Lup’s.  
“Barry! Did you know we could stop breathing?!”  
“Wha— that’s a thing?”  
“Yes!”  
Barry turns to Kravitz. “Is that a thing? Can we do that?”  
“You should, you’re both reapers.”  
Lup falls to her knees at Kravitz’s feet.  
“Teach us.”  
“Okay, just try running without breathing. Like this.”  
He starts running for a few meters without any noticeable rise or fall from his chest.  
“See?”  
Barry attempts to do the same but ends up gasping for breath after some seconds had passed. Kravitz shakes his head.  
“No, no, you're just holding your breath. You’re still performing the autonomic functions that require breathing. Try not having your heart beat. All that blood wants oxygen.”  
Lup tries it again, but does the same thing Barry did.  
“No you have to actually stop your heart from beating, that’s what’s stopping you.”  
After a few more tries Lup gets it, she manages to literally stop her heart from beating.  
“Krav, look, I’m doing it—” and she falls to the ground, red electricity flying around her body. A surreal, robed figure with glowing red eyes lifts from her motionless form and looks at Kravitz. It pulls off its hood, revealing Lup but completely transparent and outlined in red, parts of her skeleton visible.  
“Well shit.” she says.  
It’s like a lightbulb goes off in Kravitz’s head. Barry and Lup may be reapers and may have lich forms, but they are still alive. Their bodies still function as normal ones do because they are clone bodies, and are still alive and still need blood and still need. To. Breathe. Kravitz let out a long oh as he stares at the mess he’s created. And then he realises that Lup’s heart just stopped beating, and she needs that to live. 

“Shit!” He yells, running to her fallen form. “You guys are alive, you need to breathe!”  
Barry springs to action, catching on to the fact that Kravitz knows nothing about living first aid which is reasonable considering that his job is the literal opposite of that. He starts performing CPR on Lup’s still body, desperately trying to pump life back into her. It doesn’t take long for Lup’s phantasmal form to be sucked back into her body and for her to take a big breath of the air she now knows she needs. She coughs a few times and sits up, casting a minor healing spell on herself to repair any damages.  
“Why. The Fuck. Did you think that we didn’t need to breathe while knowing that we had corporeal forms!?”  
Kravitz holds his arms up in defense. “I thought that it was a thing all reapers could do! I had no idea it was linked to what form you held!”  
Barry puts an arm around Lup’s shoulders, which she leans back into gratefully.  
“Did you think that there was some sort of benefit package that came with being a reaper?”  
“I mean, yeah, I guess.”  
“Barry, remind me to never listen to Kravitz about reaper things ever again.”


End file.
